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About Digital Art / Hobbyist Member Izzy barash21/Male/United States Group :iconemote-lovers: Emote-Lovers
Love EMOTES
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Deviant for 6 Years
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Statistics 211 Deviations 2,631 Comments 16,612 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

my gallery is sorted, when viewing it, press browse, to see everything.

also, for requests visit my journal, for more information, and, ... if your new to my page, i need more watchers, ... so watch me, if you like what i have, at least.


Free Visitor Maps at VisitorMap.org


Comments I've never Deleted:

Oldest to newest:

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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
Krissi how would i go about suggesting a DD?

:iconkrissi001: Jan 8, 2012, 10:10 AM
You have to send a note to the appropriate Community Volunteer (with the title "DD suggestion") in the note you include the thumbnail of the Deviation and why you think that it should be featured :hug:
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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
ok... i really really dislike the way i look... so i wanna do a vote...

10 is love at first sight.
5 is about average.
and 1 is really hate that face.

:iconnamineeveninglight:
10 forever and always. every day that the sun shines and when it rains. I will forever always be there for you. if only I knew you sooner so that I could hold you and tell you I love you. that your never alone. no matter what storms may come even if the sun never shines again I will be there holding you and loving you. Ive seen you in photos and seen you on the streets I am sure..if only i knew you then like I know you now. your tears wouldn't fall into empty bed sheets..but I would be there to wipe them away. I love you forever and always.
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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
hey, synful, almost all my old groups seem to have died out, what are some good emote groups i could join?

:iconsynfull: Jul 17, 2012, 4:06 AM
It depends what sort of group you are interested in. #Emoticiety is one of the oldest and most popular feature groups, #Emotication is a useful resource group, and #EmoticonOpus is a fun contest group.

You can find a list of most emote groups here, separated by category: emotication.deviantart.com/jou…
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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
you just make it look so easy, do you have a better way to animate?

:iconkrissi001: Nov 27, 2012, 8:54 AM
The only program I use is Photoshop cs4. I start with a black Emote and then I copy the layer and add something more to it, while i use the previous layer as a reference to see where I have to add or remove pixels. And I can preview the animation within the program. I work on it till it looks smooth to me.
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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
thanks for commenting, even at all, i don't usually get comments, no one cares to critique on anything i do, ... even though i ask so many people...

:iconchli: Jan 16, 2013, 3:37 PM
I understand.

If you want more comments you could always join those critiquing groups. If you critique someone elses piece they'll do the same for you. Also, people are more inclined to comment when they see that you comment back. On some of your pieces I saw that you didn't reply. `Mirz123 posted a poll about artists not replying to comments. I looked all over for it, but sadly I couldn't find it. She might have removed it, I don't know :shrug:. But either way, everyone said that they commented more if they knew that the artist would get back to them, sooner or later.
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:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
do you happen to have a better way of animating, then simply copy and paste a million times?

:iconpix3m: Jun 16, 2013, 2:55 PM
Graphicsgale is what I use, though it is mostly the same copying and pasting. You get a better sense of how your animation looks in practice though.

I would not use MSpaint though, it doesn't have keyboard shortcuts so evry time you need to change tools, you have to move your mouse.

There are other ways to animate that doesn't require you to draw frame-by-frame. However, the mediums you want for that are vector, and 3D.
_

Favourites

... i favorite a lot of very sweet pictures...
if you wanna see the kind of things that go through my mind look here...

Journal History

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izzy-the-hedgehog has started a donation pool!
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80 Points = $1.00

2,400P = Premium membership.


I'm taking commissions:

inanimate icons, PC cursors, and other simple things = 20P = $0.25

animated and more complex things = 80P = $1.00

even more complex things, like complete sprite pages = 400P = $5.00

the most complex things i could do = 800P / 1600P = $10.00 / $20.00
-----

i also do art trades, and occasionally requests.

please comment anywhere for more details, but don't note me, ... i don't like being noted.

!WARNING!
Do not send me your points until my work has been completed if you are commissioning me.

Points given prematurely will not be sent back.

I will show you my work in a way so that you will not be able to steal it, at least, steal it with good quality, so don't try to skimp me either.

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  • :icondahub:
    dAhub
    Donated Jul 13, 2012, 11:41:23 AM
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This is my update for my progress at the Collbran Colorado Job Corps center.

its been 1 year now... one whole year since i started all this training.

The last journal i made talked about how i was doing after 6 months, i might as well make the same basic journal, but I'm not going to rant nearly as long.


After 1 total year in this program i have done and obtained the following:

I've gotten my GED, I'm now an educated person.
I've still continuing on to get my High School Diploma.

I ran for a Student Government Position, and won.
I became a member of student government on the center, I'm Secretary, i basically take care of any and all computer needs that the student government needs me to do, which includes motioning in new rules and protocols into our federal system, so that the Job Corps National system knows what we're doing.

Along with almost any computer thing the entire center needs help with, they greatly depend on me.

In my Dorm i became a Bay leader, which is basically a team manager, i take care of about 7 other people, i make sure they keep themselves on track and have fun.

a few months after i became a bay leader i became Top 5.

Top 5 is a position of the 5 highest leaders in the dorms, in order it goes: President, Wing Vice president, Other Wing Vice president, Sargent at Arms, and Dorm Coordinator.

I've gotten the position of Sargent, the Sargent handles discipline, as Sargent i deem equal punishments to what ever rule a student has broken, and otherwise do the best i can to make sure none of the other 60 students in my dorm break rules.

There is also a computer lab on the center, called the LRC "Learning Recreation Center" i believe, my strong leadership qualities and otherwise complete friendliness got me the position of LRC Foreman.

as the Foreman i basically handle all the computer activities on center, ... yeah, i guess i have complete control... over computer stuff.

also in the Dorm I'm the IT leader, which means i take care of all the computer things in my dorm too... i tend to forget about that one... sense i already do that everywhere on center.


With all my leaderships and helpfulness, the center director, the guy that owns the center, decided to give me the centers Highest Award.

The Gold Jacketed Leadership Award.
it basically just represents that i do my best, all the time.

And for a while i was doing really good on center.

but my SGA Secretary position takes me away from my Education and my Trade...

I've lost weeks to my Secretary position, working for the center, and it doesn't help me at all, i just lose time i need to finish Cisco and get my HSD... but lets talk about progress in those area's.

in Cisco I'm about 50% complete, though, I've been about 50% complete for the last 2 months.
I never get the time to practice Hexadecimal addressing, i mean, its actually pretty complicated if you've never worked with it.

and then in Education:

Math 75%
Science 14%
Social Studies 14%
Literature 45%

and that's it, once i pass all that, I'm done with job corps.

so basically as an update I'm 59.2% complete with education.

I had my schedule changed so i would have more time in Science and Social studies, and I've also made sure they're in hours that my Secretary position won't take away.

Now these are the leaderships i hold on center.

IT leader.
Top 5.
LRC Foreman.
SGA Secretary.
Gold Jacketed leader.

Because of these leaderships, I'll be put into the Collbran Hall of Fame, ... and I'll be remembered forever as a strong student, a stronger leader, and a successful man.

-----

That's how the outer me is doing.

Lets look at the inner me for a second...


Over the last year, I've endlessly worked, tirelessly for some blind ideal that if i work and suffer and always do my best that good things will happen to me.

This ideal is martyrdom, i have a martyr complex, where i believe that things will get better because i suffer... i know that this thinking is wrong, and the outer me tries to fix it, but the inner me fully believes that after all this suffering... things will get better, while the outer me says, "Don't suffer lets just do out best and help people." the inner me says "I'm so exhausted, so lost, and tired, i hate being like this, if i just give myself more work maybe someone will come save me."

along with the Martyr complex, I've found that i play video games and enjoy technology as an escape...

I'm not sure when it started but i use video games to simply steal myself away from my intense panic attacks, I've found that sitting alone, eating alone, or other wise being with friends, or nice people, doesn't work...

at all times, in the day and night, i have intense panic attacks, i had majorly noticed they where panic attacks and not just stress when i was putting myself in stressful situations, the stress, felt normal, felt like i was just doing something hard...

but the panic attacks, they hurt, my heart races, and my thoughts burn, its just a bunch of anguish.

i believe these panic attacks are completely to blame for my poor sleeping, i toss and turn, moan, and sometimes kick in my sleep, these panic attacks often enough occur when i begin to enter rem sleep.

as soon as my mind starts to fix my problems, it stops, goes into panic mode, and wakes me up, its as if days never end, as if I'm just always awake, because my mind never sleeps.

this certain situation is called PTSD, ... post traumatic stress disorder, ... I've likely had PTSD since i was 12, when i first lost my friend, an event i wasn't able to live down, with was significantly worsened when i lost my wife, another event i seemingly can't live down...

Just to work day by day, i take Buspirone a medium strength anti-anxiety drug, and GABA a sleep drug.

its a very interesting feeling, to use the Buspirone, its like I'm not physically able to worry... when i think of her, i don't lose my mind, i just think, clearly, its perhaps what i needed throughout our relationship...

Without the medication, the effects of my PTSD are... pretty extreme, ... i have some difficult terminology to describe it, but its like...

having a bad memory sector in a hard drive, when your computer tired to access it, you get a blue screen, and then your computer crashes and you have to restart...

my break downs or significantly comparable to that, i... shutdown, shut off, and rampant thoughts consume my mind until my episode is over, and I'm able to restart...



but what attempts have a made to move past all that...?

will, significantly I've been working here at job corps, but besides that, ... barely anything...

its become very apparent to me that i would like to have someone to talk to, instead of seclude myself in my own mind, battering myself with problems i can't fix, people i can't talk to, and tears i simply cannot dry.

although, after so long, my feelings haven't diminished, i once told her, "I'll love you forever." and, with my martyrdom, that's what i believe i continue to do, by simply working my damnedest.

But then I'm also not an idiot, I'm not some mindless drone, i know full well, that my feelings are the only feelings, there is no one outside my mind that gives any... care... i know that she's moved on, i know that she's with someone else already, moving passed me wasn't really an issue for her, i mean... it was her idea anyway, ... she once said "i hope you never get bored of me." ... how, painful... that it was her who got bored of me.


i mean when i take it into perspective I'm a pretty nice guy, ... i definitely think to much, which does seem to border on complete manipulation, but then i manipulate my own mind into believing things that are wrong... maybe if i can't fix that i won't be able to get into another relationship, or otherwise shouldn't.

but mean, i don't do drugs, i don't smoke, i don't drink, I'm not reckless, i care about people, i give massages, I'm thoughtful, I'm friendly, and quiet and shy until you get to know me, i don't swear, or curse, i work really hard, I'm good with kids, a play video games and watch movies and anime and cartoons for fun, i like reading, i like the snow and cold, i like to cuddle, i like my friends, I'm polite and chivalrous, deep down i want to be happy, I'm pretty innocent, or inexperienced with women, I'm intelligent and like to learn things, i partially know Japanese, i try to express myself through art, with pixel art or writing, I'm open minded, I'm patient, i don't get angry, I'm even good looking, i work out sometimes, I'm a decent cook, I'm still growing up, i mean...

there's a lot to like about a guy like me... why would you ever throw such a nice guy away...


Anyway.

The plan now is to finish job corp and find a girl more like me, someone that will hold on to me, forever, like i do with my memories.

and then, with the job i get after all this, I'll build up my money, get some nice things, and just, geez, ... live happily for a little bit...

anyway, I'm almost done, with job corps.

I've gotten a lot of awards, i have some catching up to do, and i got a GED, which is freakin awesome.

and you know what, maybe i am blind, cause i can point out a lot of good things, but i don't see anyone hitting on me or flirting with me, i seem to get pretty well unnoticed, but then maybe girls just don't bother with me because i tell everyone I'm married, ... but that would probably have the same effect if i said I'm divorced, ... i don't want a relationship, ... i mean, ... i do... but i can't, ... i want to return first, see how she's doing... see how everyone's doing, one of my long time friends had a baby a while ago, i wouldn't mind checking up on her, ... not in a relationship kind of way, she's my friend, and then i know my ... ex... is doing good, she's got herself another boyfriend, that's good, she as far as i can tell, seems happy, ... work seems to be hard, and she's living her life like an adult, I'm really glad she still likes ponies and things, that was honestly one of the biggest things we shared with each other.

anyway, now I'm just talking to talk...

I've said enough.

I'll see you guys in just a little while, I'm almost done.



I honestly love you guys, and hate that we don't communicate, none of my friends, or family, ... or even my devientart watchers...

I'd like it if we communicated... but we don't really have anything to say to each other...

how's life?
oh its great, i just got a pay raise and found this great guy, how're you doing?
well, I'm alright, I just got promoted, i get more money now but i gotta take care of more people, its cool though.


you ever seclude yourself so much that you start talking to yourself... giving yourself human interactions...

I know i do...
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: I usually listen to Japnese Eurobeat.
  • Reading: I've been reading Fan fictions, to start my own.
  • Watching: I've been watching anime, usually tragic.
  • Playing: I've been playing little games on my tablet.
  • Eating: i usually eat at 6am, 11am or 12pm and at 5pm
  • Drinking: I have this big water bottle, i try for 64Oz daily
so, if you guys didn't already know, I'm in Job Corps.

Specifically Collbran Colorado job corps.
collbran.jobcorps.gov/home.asp…

I left where i was living in December 2013, and have been there until now really, I get a 2 week break every 6 months.

so i figure I'll make a journal depicting my time at Job Corps, i should have a total of 4 or so journals when I'm finally done with job corps.

my previous journal "family and friends" was made while i was in job corp.

-----
now for the details:
_____

I've gone to Collbran job corps to find success in my own life, to better myself, and so that i may one day be strong enough to carry a wife, kids, and a family of my own... on my own... and survive successfully on my own.

4 years ago when i was 16 i had looked into going into the job corps program, i wasn't sure where in the country i wanted and what i wanted to learn and do with myself.

you probably know this part, but when i was 18 i met my wife, until then i hadn't really had a reason to better myself in any such ways.

after a time, we divorced, separated, and now no longer even communicate with each other, ... I'll talk more about that in a moment.


My "Input" into the collbran job corps program was... difficult as far as communicating and understanding how it all works goes, but after a time i have adjusted.

at the time of my input the trades or vocations that i was interested in where all full, and i was given a choice of going into floor covering "tiling, laying down rugs etc" or carpentry "general construction working" i wasn't really happy with either of those choices... and finally chose carpentry.

Carpentry was an interesting trade, i didn't hate it like i would have with floor covering, but it just wasn't my passion, soon after joining carpentry "1 month" i had an opening for Cisco Networking "connecting computers and electronic devices, including building and configuring them, etc" I've been a Cisco networker for 5 months now, and will hopefully continue to be until i graduate.

Now as far as schooling goes, most of you probably don't know this but I'm Home schooled.

which means i have little to no experience with a public school system and working in groups or classes, this fact doesn't seem to be slowing me down however.

as far as I'm aware i am nearly 50% complete with graduating school and earning a high school diploma, recently i took my GED test as well, as the school want you to at least get something if you aren't able to complete high school.

My GED test went by fairly well, i passed 3 out of 4 subjects, the one miss being Math, i had gotten 149 out of 150 passing, so, kinda disappointing, but meh, I can take it again with 60 days, so hopefully I'll know math slightly better by then.

so, generally I'm doing well in my education and vocational training at job corps.


but living is almost a different matter.

after about 2, maybe 3 months of being at job corps, so for about the last 4 and a half months, I've been seeing the therapist.

our therapist comes by the center every monday, and i try to see him every time.

we try to work on my ... emotional, ... or cognitive, behavioral, and other problems.

my main problem is that I'm reclusive, depressed, anxious, sad, panicked, and other things...

its over all difficult for me to live because I'm sad...

the main reasons I'm sad I've come to find, are as fallows...

reasons to be sad:
I'm an unsuccessful young man.

I'm addicted to playing games and using computers.

I blame uncontrollable events on myself.

I over personalize with things that aren't even my problem and make them seem like my own.

and i feel above all, my divorce was my fault...

i was neglectful, and pessimistic towards my wife...

i had ruined our relationship with my own blindness...

i couldn't see her for who she was and what she wanted, and i behaved terribly towards her.

perhaps i over blame myself with this event like the therapist says, and the people that i just can't let close enough to be my friends, say i do.

even so, its a problem me and the therapist are trying to fix... i hope.

in the end with this problem, i have failed her, but if i fall apart, then I'll never be able to get into another relationship, ... if i can ever get over this one, of course.

its incredibly difficult to wake up, each day at job corp, and be reminded of all the reason that I'm a failure, and have little to none reason why i want to succeed anymore.

though I'll push on, ... blind like always, for simple success.



and that's how just living's doing.


now, Job corp also has a rating system.
as fallows:

Awesome - Gold
Above Average - Silver
Average - Red
Not doing well - Blue
At Risk Needs help - Grey
At Risk of being kicked out - White

and Green - input / New guy

after a few months I'm in a Silver color over all, in education, vocation and living.


Trying simply my very hardest for perhaps... a blank slate, trying so hard for nothing at all.

when i graduate from Job corps they will continue to help me find a job and housing up to one year, and then if i get a job, they will help me and watch over me for 1 more year from the point of my employment.

let me talk about the rules for just a sec.
There are a lot of rules, the rules are made by students mostly, and only slightly by staff.

at your input you have a total of 12 points, behavioral points.

When you break one of these rules you may lose 1, 3, 6, or even all 12 points.
if you go down to 0 points you are at risk, of being kicked out, and some other stuff happens I'm not familiar with.


one of my proud achievements is that I haven't once gotten in trouble, in the last 6 months.
and hopefully i won't get in trouble during the entirety of my duration.

the center... uhh... something, guy, not the director, but like, director assistant, i dunno exactly, he deals with safety stuff, i think, but then there's also a safety guy so I'm not sure... maybe security.

anyway, he promises that if you can make it out of the program without ever getting in trouble he'll take you to dinner for a job very well done.

and i think i deeply want that honor.



Anyway, I'll say a few last things before leaving you all with this journal for the next 6 months.



I have little access to deviantART at job corp due to the firewall, so, I can still see your messages but am unable to reply until i go on break, or decide that breaking through a federal firewall is important enough to reply... i don't think I'll get a message from anyone that important though... they don't really talk to me anymore.

and that's about it...



so, generally I'm doing well, 50% complete with education, about 27% complete with trade, and I'm working on not being... broken, i guess you'd say.

over all I'm generally okay.


I'll try to have something to upload every once in a while as well, but that's unlikely as I'm usually busy working, educating myself or thinking poorly of myself...

anyway, message me guys i really like it when you guys talk to me, i don't really have a lot of friends and tend to use deviantART, you guys, as my community out reach, and you guys don't often talk to me... so that also makes me feel kinda alone.

i mean, why else would i put all this useless information on here, i want someone to talk to... besides a therapist, teacher or instructor...

and its so damn difficult to live with myself there with all the women hitting on me, and the guys being retards, there's only a handful of guys that are fun to be around, and all the women well... i can't even be around a women without feeling bad... miss her far more then i should...

so, guys, talk to me, it'll take me a while to reply, but just... but just talk to me...


oh yeah, almost forgot, I've also been learning and teaching Japanese, pretty interesting.

got a bunch of people talking Japanese.

... maybe i should talk about what i like to do for fun...

i guess i will... i mean, its not like I'll have another chance...


for fun:
I play video games on my computer... makes me feel terrible when I'm done...
I watch TV... there's usually nothing on...
I go online and look through my email... its not like you'd email me anyway... its always empty...
I read tragedy books... recently finished Romeo and Juliet... that made me feel just great...

god... what else do i do for fun that ends in me actually feeling better...

i guess i don't...

at least i can't think of anything...

everything i do just makes me remember her... don't you just hate that about relationships...

its like i forgot how to smile again... forgot how to have fun, i just, don't enjoy myself...


anyway, its all something me and the therapist are working on.

my pessimistic, reclusive, depressive behavior will hopefully be changed at some point.


I do really love you guys though, i mean, it seems like i just went crazy and kinda lost my mind, but ... well... I'm just re-broken.


talk to you guys in a while, hopefully I'll see you again some day too.


Who's he talking to?
He's not talking to anyone specific, could be his family or friends, or even us...
who knows.
  • Mood: Hopeless
  • Listening to: Japanese Audio lessons
  • Reading: some tragic manga
  • Watching: a romantic movie
  • Playing: something that makes me hate myself when I'm done
  • Eating: when I'm hungry...
  • Drinking: as often as i can... don't wanna get dehydrated
This is my update for my progress at the Collbran Colorado Job Corps center.

its been 1 year now... one whole year since i started all this training.

The last journal i made talked about how i was doing after 6 months, i might as well make the same basic journal, but I'm not going to rant nearly as long.


After 1 total year in this program i have done and obtained the following:

I've gotten my GED, I'm now an educated person.
I've still continuing on to get my High School Diploma.

I ran for a Student Government Position, and won.
I became a member of student government on the center, I'm Secretary, i basically take care of any and all computer needs that the student government needs me to do, which includes motioning in new rules and protocols into our federal system, so that the Job Corps National system knows what we're doing.

Along with almost any computer thing the entire center needs help with, they greatly depend on me.

In my Dorm i became a Bay leader, which is basically a team manager, i take care of about 7 other people, i make sure they keep themselves on track and have fun.

a few months after i became a bay leader i became Top 5.

Top 5 is a position of the 5 highest leaders in the dorms, in order it goes: President, Wing Vice president, Other Wing Vice president, Sargent at Arms, and Dorm Coordinator.

I've gotten the position of Sargent, the Sargent handles discipline, as Sargent i deem equal punishments to what ever rule a student has broken, and otherwise do the best i can to make sure none of the other 60 students in my dorm break rules.

There is also a computer lab on the center, called the LRC "Learning Recreation Center" i believe, my strong leadership qualities and otherwise complete friendliness got me the position of LRC Foreman.

as the Foreman i basically handle all the computer activities on center, ... yeah, i guess i have complete control... over computer stuff.

also in the Dorm I'm the IT leader, which means i take care of all the computer things in my dorm too... i tend to forget about that one... sense i already do that everywhere on center.


With all my leaderships and helpfulness, the center director, the guy that owns the center, decided to give me the centers Highest Award.

The Gold Jacketed Leadership Award.
it basically just represents that i do my best, all the time.

And for a while i was doing really good on center.

but my SGA Secretary position takes me away from my Education and my Trade...

I've lost weeks to my Secretary position, working for the center, and it doesn't help me at all, i just lose time i need to finish Cisco and get my HSD... but lets talk about progress in those area's.

in Cisco I'm about 50% complete, though, I've been about 50% complete for the last 2 months.
I never get the time to practice Hexadecimal addressing, i mean, its actually pretty complicated if you've never worked with it.

and then in Education:

Math 75%
Science 14%
Social Studies 14%
Literature 45%

and that's it, once i pass all that, I'm done with job corps.

so basically as an update I'm 59.2% complete with education.

I had my schedule changed so i would have more time in Science and Social studies, and I've also made sure they're in hours that my Secretary position won't take away.

Now these are the leaderships i hold on center.

IT leader.
Top 5.
LRC Foreman.
SGA Secretary.
Gold Jacketed leader.

Because of these leaderships, I'll be put into the Collbran Hall of Fame, ... and I'll be remembered forever as a strong student, a stronger leader, and a successful man.

-----

That's how the outer me is doing.

Lets look at the inner me for a second...


Over the last year, I've endlessly worked, tirelessly for some blind ideal that if i work and suffer and always do my best that good things will happen to me.

This ideal is martyrdom, i have a martyr complex, where i believe that things will get better because i suffer... i know that this thinking is wrong, and the outer me tries to fix it, but the inner me fully believes that after all this suffering... things will get better, while the outer me says, "Don't suffer lets just do out best and help people." the inner me says "I'm so exhausted, so lost, and tired, i hate being like this, if i just give myself more work maybe someone will come save me."

along with the Martyr complex, I've found that i play video games and enjoy technology as an escape...

I'm not sure when it started but i use video games to simply steal myself away from my intense panic attacks, I've found that sitting alone, eating alone, or other wise being with friends, or nice people, doesn't work...

at all times, in the day and night, i have intense panic attacks, i had majorly noticed they where panic attacks and not just stress when i was putting myself in stressful situations, the stress, felt normal, felt like i was just doing something hard...

but the panic attacks, they hurt, my heart races, and my thoughts burn, its just a bunch of anguish.

i believe these panic attacks are completely to blame for my poor sleeping, i toss and turn, moan, and sometimes kick in my sleep, these panic attacks often enough occur when i begin to enter rem sleep.

as soon as my mind starts to fix my problems, it stops, goes into panic mode, and wakes me up, its as if days never end, as if I'm just always awake, because my mind never sleeps.

this certain situation is called PTSD, ... post traumatic stress disorder, ... I've likely had PTSD since i was 12, when i first lost my friend, an event i wasn't able to live down, with was significantly worsened when i lost my wife, another event i seemingly can't live down...

Just to work day by day, i take Buspirone a medium strength anti-anxiety drug, and GABA a sleep drug.

its a very interesting feeling, to use the Buspirone, its like I'm not physically able to worry... when i think of her, i don't lose my mind, i just think, clearly, its perhaps what i needed throughout our relationship...

Without the medication, the effects of my PTSD are... pretty extreme, ... i have some difficult terminology to describe it, but its like...

having a bad memory sector in a hard drive, when your computer tired to access it, you get a blue screen, and then your computer crashes and you have to restart...

my break downs or significantly comparable to that, i... shutdown, shut off, and rampant thoughts consume my mind until my episode is over, and I'm able to restart...



but what attempts have a made to move past all that...?

will, significantly I've been working here at job corps, but besides that, ... barely anything...

its become very apparent to me that i would like to have someone to talk to, instead of seclude myself in my own mind, battering myself with problems i can't fix, people i can't talk to, and tears i simply cannot dry.

although, after so long, my feelings haven't diminished, i once told her, "I'll love you forever." and, with my martyrdom, that's what i believe i continue to do, by simply working my damnedest.

But then I'm also not an idiot, I'm not some mindless drone, i know full well, that my feelings are the only feelings, there is no one outside my mind that gives any... care... i know that she's moved on, i know that she's with someone else already, moving passed me wasn't really an issue for her, i mean... it was her idea anyway, ... she once said "i hope you never get bored of me." ... how, painful... that it was her who got bored of me.


i mean when i take it into perspective I'm a pretty nice guy, ... i definitely think to much, which does seem to border on complete manipulation, but then i manipulate my own mind into believing things that are wrong... maybe if i can't fix that i won't be able to get into another relationship, or otherwise shouldn't.

but mean, i don't do drugs, i don't smoke, i don't drink, I'm not reckless, i care about people, i give massages, I'm thoughtful, I'm friendly, and quiet and shy until you get to know me, i don't swear, or curse, i work really hard, I'm good with kids, a play video games and watch movies and anime and cartoons for fun, i like reading, i like the snow and cold, i like to cuddle, i like my friends, I'm polite and chivalrous, deep down i want to be happy, I'm pretty innocent, or inexperienced with women, I'm intelligent and like to learn things, i partially know Japanese, i try to express myself through art, with pixel art or writing, I'm open minded, I'm patient, i don't get angry, I'm even good looking, i work out sometimes, I'm a decent cook, I'm still growing up, i mean...

there's a lot to like about a guy like me... why would you ever throw such a nice guy away...


Anyway.

The plan now is to finish job corp and find a girl more like me, someone that will hold on to me, forever, like i do with my memories.

and then, with the job i get after all this, I'll build up my money, get some nice things, and just, geez, ... live happily for a little bit...

anyway, I'm almost done, with job corps.

I've gotten a lot of awards, i have some catching up to do, and i got a GED, which is freakin awesome.

and you know what, maybe i am blind, cause i can point out a lot of good things, but i don't see anyone hitting on me or flirting with me, i seem to get pretty well unnoticed, but then maybe girls just don't bother with me because i tell everyone I'm married, ... but that would probably have the same effect if i said I'm divorced, ... i don't want a relationship, ... i mean, ... i do... but i can't, ... i want to return first, see how she's doing... see how everyone's doing, one of my long time friends had a baby a while ago, i wouldn't mind checking up on her, ... not in a relationship kind of way, she's my friend, and then i know my ... ex... is doing good, she's got herself another boyfriend, that's good, she as far as i can tell, seems happy, ... work seems to be hard, and she's living her life like an adult, I'm really glad she still likes ponies and things, that was honestly one of the biggest things we shared with each other.

anyway, now I'm just talking to talk...

I've said enough.

I'll see you guys in just a little while, I'm almost done.



I honestly love you guys, and hate that we don't communicate, none of my friends, or family, ... or even my devientart watchers...

I'd like it if we communicated... but we don't really have anything to say to each other...

how's life?
oh its great, i just got a pay raise and found this great guy, how're you doing?
well, I'm alright, I just got promoted, i get more money now but i gotta take care of more people, its cool though.


you ever seclude yourself so much that you start talking to yourself... giving yourself human interactions...

I know i do...
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: I usually listen to Japnese Eurobeat.
  • Reading: I've been reading Fan fictions, to start my own.
  • Watching: I've been watching anime, usually tragic.
  • Playing: I've been playing little games on my tablet.
  • Eating: i usually eat at 6am, 11am or 12pm and at 5pm
  • Drinking: I have this big water bottle, i try for 64Oz daily

deviantID

izzy-the-hedgehog's Profile Picture
izzy-the-hedgehog
Izzy barash
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
Full Profile: Last updated; December 04, 2013.

My Name Is: Isaiahmichael
My Nickname Is: Izzy
My middle Name Is: Stephen
My Last Name Is: Barash
My Full Name Is: Isaiahmichael Stephen Barash.
(Just call me Izzy)

Birth: January, 5, 1994,
Death: Not yet.
Age: 19

Gender: Male.
S#xual Orientation: Straight.
Marital Status: Back to Complicated...

Zodiac Sign: Capricorn.
Religion: Complicated as well... Practicing study of the Bible, Christian / Jewish.

Body type: Slim / Slender.
Height: Estimated About 6 feet or something.
Weight: Estimated About 178 LBS or something.
Width: Estimated About 17 In. or something.
Girth: Estimated About 32 In. or something.

IQ: Under 300, probably.
Mental stability: Estimated About 43%, ... poor stability, prone to mental break downs.

deviantART account: :iconizzy-the-hedgehog:


Constant Moods: Thoughtful/withdrawn/Hurt.

Usual Moods: Thoughtful, Embarrassed, Uncomfortable, Derpy, Careful, Adrenaline Fueled, Lustful, And Others.

Known Family: Father, Mother, Two Brothers, Sister, Step Sister, Nephew, And Others.

All Friends: In Order And Age We Met.
1-Aren [Me Age 2-Aren Birth]
Friend Relationship: ... Gone.

2-Jordan [Me Age 4-Jordan Age 2]
Friend Relationship: Unknown.

3&4-Elijah & Cairn [Me Age 14-Elijah Age 13-Cairn Age 12]
Friend Relationship: ... Gone.

5,6,7,8&9-Borre' Family [Me Age 17 - Multiple Ages]
Friend Relationship: Complicated.

Live In The Shadow Of: Myself.

Line Of Work: Unemployed...

Hobby’s: Coloring, Pixel Art, Practicing Art forms, and some other things.

Interests: Video games, and some other things.

Fears: I’m Afraid Of, Losing My Friends - Hurting My Friends - The Ocean And Smaller Body’s Of Water - Mass extinctions - Losing everyone again - and a few other things.

Not Afraid Of: A few things.

Likes: Pixel Art, Running, Money, Having Friends, Learning, Video games, Brothers, Sonic the hedgehog, Comic Books, Ex-wife.

Dislikes: Anger, Screaming People, Sharks, social services, and other things.

Loves: ... complicated.

Hates: Self.

Collects: Lego’s, Sonic Video games, Comic Books, Your Sonic Fan Art, And some other things.

Current Emails;
Can't give you my current email, its like I'd stop checking it if i did.

though your more likely to get a hold of me through a comment on deviantART.com
only.

Current Residence: My Nightmares.
Favourite genre of music: Orchestral Music / Melodic Hardcore.
Favourite photographer: I don't have one.
Favourite style of art: sonic battle style chaokiller.deviantart.com/art/… and concept art www.sparth.com/
Operating System: windows vista.
MP3 player of choice: MP3, Philips GoGear VIBE Model: SA1VBE04KM/37
Shell of choice: Transparent plastic.
Wallpaper of choice: An Amazing piece, "currently a high quality drawing of Earth and the Moon"
Skin of choice: FireFox persona; Abstract Electric By ComputerWolf
Favourite cartoon character: Spider-man / Deadpool.
Personal Quote: Molon Labe "Come Take"
Interests

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


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:iconstill-a-fan:
still-a-fan Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I know this is late but here's your birthday gift


Enjoy :)
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
sorry for how long its taken me to reply, I've been... really busy... i actually made a journal about how busy i am just now...

thank you a lot for the picture, i means a lot to me.
Reply
:iconstill-a-fan:
still-a-fan Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's all right, no worries, take as much time as you need to reply back. :)

You're welcome, I'm glad you like it friend :hug:
Reply
:iconsuperrose65465468478:
Superrose65465468478 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014

Thanks for the llama Izzy!  :llama:   :heart:


Reply
:iconloaded--dice:
Loaded--Dice Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday! ^^
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you, ... i just, kinda wanna ask, hows everyone doing, I'm sure everyone's fine, but i wonder some times.
Reply
:iconloaded--dice:
Loaded--Dice Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
We're all good. Lots of work.
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that's good, keeping busies pretty nice.

everything's been going alright for me too, tell everyone i said hi.

and I'm going back to job corp tomorrow, as far as i know though i don't really have any way of really contacting anyone besides email.

and the only email i really check is inward-looking@outlook.com, so you can email me there if you guys need me.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconworldwanderer:
worldwanderer Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the :llama: 
Reply
:iconlit-nebulosa:
lit-nebulosa Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Neko Emoji-08 (Good Night) [V1]  Thank you for the llama King Llama 
Reply
:iconradiantclaire:
RadiantClaire Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for the Llama! :3
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
and thank you for the watch, and favorite.
Reply
:icondundeephotographics:
DundeePhotographics Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Professional Photographer
Thanks for the Llama
Llama...an important part of life
Reply
:iconvpm09645:
VPM09645 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the I love my Llama 
Reply
:iconfluttershypony67:
Fluttershypony67 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
Thanks for the Llama...
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
your welcome. Fluttershy - Free icon for ~Crystallyna 
Reply
:iconicewingmoontigress:
Icewingmoontigress Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:llama::heart:
Reply
:iconsuperrose65465468478:
Thanks For the llama!
Reply
:iconsuperrose65465468478:
Thanks for the :Llama:
Reply
:iconx-man61:
X-Man61 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
OOHH thanks for Llama!!chasing llama again Backflip Llama  Hug :D (Big Grin) 
Reply
:iconm-art-artist:
M-Art-Artist Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013   General Artist
Thank u for the Llama! :ridingLlama: 
Reply
:iconechowing:
EchoWing Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the llama!
Reply
:iconiytj:
iytj Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
:iconthanksllamaplz:
Reply
:iconizzy-the-hedgehog:
izzy-the-hedgehog Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
and thank you, both for the favorites and for using my emote in your commenting signature.

izzy-the-hedgehog.deviantart.c…
Reply
:iconiytj:
iytj Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013
you're very welcome!
i found it in the "Add Media" feature,in the texting area!:w00t:
Reply
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