so, if you guys didn't already know, I'm in Job Corps.
Specifically Collbran Colorado job corps.collbran.jobcorps.gov/home.asp…
I left where i was living in December 2013, and have been there until now really, I get a 2 week break every 6 months.
so i figure I'll make a journal depicting my time at Job Corps, i should have a total of 4 or so journals when I'm finally done with job corps.
my previous journal "family and friends" was made while i was in job corp.
now for the details:
I've gone to Collbran job corps to find success in my own life, to better myself, and so that i may one day be strong enough to carry a wife, kids, and a family of my own... on my own... and survive successfully on my own.
4 years ago when i was 16 i had looked into going into the job corps program, i wasn't sure where in the country i wanted and what i wanted to learn and do with myself.
you probably know this part, but when i was 18 i met my wife, until then i hadn't really had a reason to better myself in any such ways.
after a time, we divorced, separated, and now no longer even communicate with each other, ... I'll talk more about that in a moment.
My "Input" into the collbran job corps program was... difficult as far as communicating and understanding how it all works goes, but after a time i have adjusted.
at the time of my input the trades or vocations that i was interested in where all full, and i was given a choice of going into floor covering "tiling, laying down rugs etc" or carpentry "general construction working" i wasn't really happy with either of those choices... and finally chose carpentry.
Carpentry was an interesting trade, i didn't hate it like i would have with floor covering, but it just wasn't my passion, soon after joining carpentry "1 month" i had an opening for Cisco Networking "connecting computers and electronic devices, including building and configuring them, etc" I've been a Cisco networker for 5 months now, and will hopefully continue to be until i graduate.
Now as far as schooling goes, most of you probably don't know this but I'm Home schooled.
which means i have little to no experience with a public school system and working in groups or classes, this fact doesn't seem to be slowing me down however.
as far as I'm aware i am nearly 50% complete with graduating school and earning a high school diploma, recently i took my GED test as well, as the school want you to at least get something if you aren't able to complete high school.
My GED test went by fairly well, i passed 3 out of 4 subjects, the one miss being Math, i had gotten 149 out of 150 passing, so, kinda disappointing, but meh, I can take it again with 60 days, so hopefully I'll know math slightly better by then.
so, generally I'm doing well in my education and vocational training at job corps.
but living is almost a different matter.
after about 2, maybe 3 months of being at job corps, so for about the last 4 and a half months, I've been seeing the therapist.
our therapist comes by the center every monday, and i try to see him every time.
we try to work on my ... emotional, ... or cognitive, behavioral, and other problems.
my main problem is that I'm reclusive, depressed, anxious, sad, panicked, and other things...
its over all difficult for me to live because I'm sad...
the main reasons I'm sad I've come to find, are as fallows...
reasons to be sad:
I'm an unsuccessful young man.
I'm addicted to playing games and using computers.
I blame uncontrollable events on myself.
I over personalize with things that aren't even my problem and make them seem like my own.
and i feel above all, my divorce was my fault...
i was neglectful, and pessimistic towards my wife...
i had ruined our relationship with my own blindness...
i couldn't see her for who she was and what she wanted, and i behaved terribly towards her.
perhaps i over blame myself with this event like the therapist says, and the people that i just can't let close enough to be my friends, say i do.
even so, its a problem me and the therapist are trying to fix... i hope.
in the end with this problem, i have failed her, but if i fall apart, then I'll never be able to get into another relationship, ... if i can ever get over this one, of course.
its incredibly difficult to wake up, each day at job corp, and be reminded of all the reason that I'm a failure, and have little to none reason why i want to succeed anymore.
though I'll push on, ... blind like always, for simple success.
and that's how just living's doing.
now, Job corp also has a rating system.
Awesome - Gold
Above Average - Silver
Average - Red
Not doing well - Blue
At Risk Needs help - Grey
At Risk of being kicked out - White
and Green - input / New guy
after a few months I'm in a Silver color over all, in education, vocation and living.
Trying simply my very hardest for perhaps... a blank slate, trying so hard for nothing at all.
when i graduate from Job corps they will continue to help me find a job and housing up to one year, and then if i get a job, they will help me and watch over me for 1 more year from the point of my employment.
let me talk about the rules for just a sec.
There are a lot of rules, the rules are made by students mostly, and only slightly by staff.
at your input you have a total of 12 points, behavioral points.
When you break one of these rules you may lose 1, 3, 6, or even all 12 points.
if you go down to 0 points you are at risk, of being kicked out, and some other stuff happens I'm not familiar with.
one of my proud achievements is that I haven't once gotten in trouble, in the last 6 months.
and hopefully i won't get in trouble during the entirety of my duration.
the center... uhh... something, guy, not the director, but like, director assistant, i dunno exactly, he deals with safety stuff, i think, but then there's also a safety guy so I'm not sure... maybe security.
anyway, he promises that if you can make it out of the program without ever getting in trouble he'll take you to dinner for a job very well done.
and i think i deeply want that honor.
Anyway, I'll say a few last things before leaving you all with this journal for the next 6 months.
I have little access to deviantART at job corp due to the firewall, so, I can still see your messages but am unable to reply until i go on break, or decide that breaking through a federal firewall is important enough to reply... i don't think I'll get a message from anyone that important though... they don't really talk to me anymore.
and that's about it...
so, generally I'm doing well, 50% complete with education, about 27% complete with trade, and I'm working on not being... broken, i guess you'd say.
over all I'm generally okay.
I'll try to have something to upload every once in a while as well, but that's unlikely as I'm usually busy working, educating myself or thinking poorly of myself...
anyway, message me guys i really like it when you guys talk to me, i don't really have a lot of friends and tend to use deviantART, you guys, as my community out reach, and you guys don't often talk to me... so that also makes me feel kinda alone.
i mean, why else would i put all this useless information on here, i want someone to talk to... besides a therapist, teacher or instructor...
and its so damn difficult to live with myself there with all the women hitting on me, and the guys being retards, there's only a handful of guys that are fun to be around, and all the women well... i can't even be around a women without feeling bad... miss her far more then i should...
so, guys, talk to me, it'll take me a while to reply, but just... but just talk to me...
oh yeah, almost forgot, I've also been learning and teaching Japanese, pretty interesting.
got a bunch of people talking Japanese.
... maybe i should talk about what i like to do for fun...
i guess i will... i mean, its not like I'll have another chance...
I play video games on my computer... makes me feel terrible when I'm done...
I watch TV... there's usually nothing on...
I go online and look through my email... its not like you'd email me anyway... its always empty...
I read tragedy books... recently finished Romeo and Juliet... that made me feel just great...
god... what else do i do for fun that ends in me actually feeling better...
i guess i don't...
at least i can't think of anything...
everything i do just makes me remember her... don't you just hate that about relationships...
its like i forgot how to smile again... forgot how to have fun, i just, don't enjoy myself...
anyway, its all something me and the therapist are working on.
my pessimistic, reclusive, depressive behavior will hopefully be changed at some point.
I do really love you guys though, i mean, it seems like i just went crazy and kinda lost my mind, but ... well... I'm just re-broken.
talk to you guys in a while, hopefully I'll see you again some day too.Who's he talking to?He's not talking to anyone specific, could be his family or friends, or even us...