Highest of Awards.

This is my update for my progress at the Collbran Colorado Job Corps center.

its been 1 year now... one whole year since i started all this training.

The last journal i made talked about how i was doing after 6 months, i might as well make the same basic journal, but I'm not going to rant nearly as long.


After 1 total year in this program i have done and obtained the following:

I've gotten my GED, I'm now an educated person.
I've still continuing on to get my High School Diploma.

I ran for a Student Government Position, and won.
I became a member of student government on the center, I'm Secretary, i basically take care of any and all computer needs that the student government needs me to do, which includes motioning in new rules and protocols into our federal system, so that the Job Corps National system knows what we're doing.

Along with almost any computer thing the entire center needs help with, they greatly depend on me.

In my Dorm i became a Bay leader, which is basically a team manager, i take care of about 7 other people, i make sure they keep themselves on track and have fun.

a few months after i became a bay leader i became Top 5.

Top 5 is a position of the 5 highest leaders in the dorms, in order it goes: President, Wing Vice president, Other Wing Vice president, Sargent at Arms, and Dorm Coordinator.

I've gotten the position of Sargent, the Sargent handles discipline, as Sargent i deem equal punishments to what ever rule a student has broken, and otherwise do the best i can to make sure none of the other 60 students in my dorm break rules.

There is also a computer lab on the center, called the LRC "Learning Recreation Center" i believe, my strong leadership qualities and otherwise complete friendliness got me the position of LRC Foreman.

as the Foreman i basically handle all the computer activities on center, ... yeah, i guess i have complete control... over computer stuff.

also in the Dorm I'm the IT leader, which means i take care of all the computer things in my dorm too... i tend to forget about that one... sense i already do that everywhere on center.


With all my leaderships and helpfulness, the center director, the guy that owns the center, decided to give me the centers Highest Award.

The Gold Jacketed Leadership Award.
it basically just represents that i do my best, all the time.

And for a while i was doing really good on center.

but my SGA Secretary position takes me away from my Education and my Trade...

I've lost weeks to my Secretary position, working for the center, and it doesn't help me at all, i just lose time i need to finish Cisco and get my HSD... but lets talk about progress in those area's.

in Cisco I'm about 50% complete, though, I've been about 50% complete for the last 2 months.
I never get the time to practice Hexadecimal addressing, i mean, its actually pretty complicated if you've never worked with it.

and then in Education:

Math 75%
Science 14%
Social Studies 14%
Literature 45%

and that's it, once i pass all that, I'm done with job corps.

so basically as an update I'm 59.2% complete with education.

I had my schedule changed so i would have more time in Science and Social studies, and I've also made sure they're in hours that my Secretary position won't take away.

Now these are the leaderships i hold on center.

IT leader.
Top 5.
LRC Foreman.
SGA Secretary.
Gold Jacketed leader.

Because of these leaderships, I'll be put into the Collbran Hall of Fame, ... and I'll be remembered forever as a strong student, a stronger leader, and a successful man.

-----

That's how the outer me is doing.

Lets look at the inner me for a second...


Over the last year, I've endlessly worked, tirelessly for some blind ideal that if i work and suffer and always do my best that good things will happen to me.

This ideal is martyrdom, i have a martyr complex, where i believe that things will get better because i suffer... i know that this thinking is wrong, and the outer me tries to fix it, but the inner me fully believes that after all this suffering... things will get better, while the outer me says, "Don't suffer lets just do out best and help people." the inner me says "I'm so exhausted, so lost, and tired, i hate being like this, if i just give myself more work maybe someone will come save me."

along with the Martyr complex, I've found that i play video games and enjoy technology as an escape...

I'm not sure when it started but i use video games to simply steal myself away from my intense panic attacks, I've found that sitting alone, eating alone, or other wise being with friends, or nice people, doesn't work...

at all times, in the day and night, i have intense panic attacks, i had majorly noticed they where panic attacks and not just stress when i was putting myself in stressful situations, the stress, felt normal, felt like i was just doing something hard...

but the panic attacks, they hurt, my heart races, and my thoughts burn, its just a bunch of anguish.

i believe these panic attacks are completely to blame for my poor sleeping, i toss and turn, moan, and sometimes kick in my sleep, these panic attacks often enough occur when i begin to enter rem sleep.

as soon as my mind starts to fix my problems, it stops, goes into panic mode, and wakes me up, its as if days never end, as if I'm just always awake, because my mind never sleeps.

this certain situation is called PTSD, ... post traumatic stress disorder, ... I've likely had PTSD since i was 12, when i first lost my friend, an event i wasn't able to live down, with was significantly worsened when i lost my wife, another event i seemingly can't live down...

Just to work day by day, i take Buspirone a medium strength anti-anxiety drug, and GABA a sleep drug.

its a very interesting feeling, to use the Buspirone, its like I'm not physically able to worry... when i think of her, i don't lose my mind, i just think, clearly, its perhaps what i needed throughout our relationship...

Without the medication, the effects of my PTSD are... pretty extreme, ... i have some difficult terminology to describe it, but its like...

having a bad memory sector in a hard drive, when your computer tired to access it, you get a blue screen, and then your computer crashes and you have to restart...

my break downs or significantly comparable to that, i... shutdown, shut off, and rampant thoughts consume my mind until my episode is over, and I'm able to restart...



but what attempts have a made to move past all that...?

will, significantly I've been working here at job corps, but besides that, ... barely anything...

its become very apparent to me that i would like to have someone to talk to, instead of seclude myself in my own mind, battering myself with problems i can't fix, people i can't talk to, and tears i simply cannot dry.

although, after so long, my feelings haven't diminished, i once told her, "I'll love you forever." and, with my martyrdom, that's what i believe i continue to do, by simply working my damnedest.

But then I'm also not an idiot, I'm not some mindless drone, i know full well, that my feelings are the only feelings, there is no one outside my mind that gives any... care... i know that she's moved on, i know that she's with someone else already, moving passed me wasn't really an issue for her, i mean... it was her idea anyway, ... she once said "i hope you never get bored of me." ... how, painful... that it was her who got bored of me.


i mean when i take it into perspective I'm a pretty nice guy, ... i definitely think to much, which does seem to border on complete manipulation, but then i manipulate my own mind into believing things that are wrong... maybe if i can't fix that i won't be able to get into another relationship, or otherwise shouldn't.

but mean, i don't do drugs, i don't smoke, i don't drink, I'm not reckless, i care about people, i give massages, I'm thoughtful, I'm friendly, and quiet and shy until you get to know me, i don't swear, or curse, i work really hard, I'm good with kids, a play video games and watch movies and anime and cartoons for fun, i like reading, i like the snow and cold, i like to cuddle, i like my friends, I'm polite and chivalrous, deep down i want to be happy, I'm pretty innocent, or inexperienced with women, I'm intelligent and like to learn things, i partially know Japanese, i try to express myself through art, with pixel art or writing, I'm open minded, I'm patient, i don't get angry, I'm even good looking, i work out sometimes, I'm a decent cook, I'm still growing up, i mean...

there's a lot to like about a guy like me... why would you ever throw such a nice guy away...


Anyway.

The plan now is to finish job corp and find a girl more like me, someone that will hold on to me, forever, like i do with my memories.

and then, with the job i get after all this, I'll build up my money, get some nice things, and just, geez, ... live happily for a little bit...

anyway, I'm almost done, with job corps.

I've gotten a lot of awards, i have some catching up to do, and i got a GED, which is freakin awesome.

and you know what, maybe i am blind, cause i can point out a lot of good things, but i don't see anyone hitting on me or flirting with me, i seem to get pretty well unnoticed, but then maybe girls just don't bother with me because i tell everyone I'm married, ... but that would probably have the same effect if i said I'm divorced, ... i don't want a relationship, ... i mean, ... i do... but i can't, ... i want to return first, see how she's doing... see how everyone's doing, one of my long time friends had a baby a while ago, i wouldn't mind checking up on her, ... not in a relationship kind of way, she's my friend, and then i know my ... ex... is doing good, she's got herself another boyfriend, that's good, she as far as i can tell, seems happy, ... work seems to be hard, and she's living her life like an adult, I'm really glad she still likes ponies and things, that was honestly one of the biggest things we shared with each other.

anyway, now I'm just talking to talk...

I've said enough.

I'll see you guys in just a little while, I'm almost done.



I honestly love you guys, and hate that we don't communicate, none of my friends, or family, ... or even my devientart watchers...

I'd like it if we communicated... but we don't really have anything to say to each other...

how's life?
oh its great, i just got a pay raise and found this great guy, how're you doing?
well, I'm alright, I just got promoted, i get more money now but i gotta take care of more people, its cool though.


you ever seclude yourself so much that you start talking to yourself... giving yourself human interactions...

I know i do...